Working Attachment Mothers. Making the break. MF's story.

Working Attachment Moms - Making the Break


Hello all of you

If you remember I polluted few weeks ago the forum with my real fear about my dry symptom which could be caused by an auto-immune desease. I just think I should let you know that I have made a decisoin. I am about stop to working outside the home. I have few more days left to work in may. I have to let my nanny go for beginning of June (legal delay) and I have just said no to two more job offers I got just after making my decision. My husband is not very happy with it (he would prefer me working) but has accepted my choice to start something new as a way of life for myself and for my family
This is a big step for me (moreover a "rupture" with a family pattern) and I just know all the exchange I have had here with attached parents helped me a lot in doing this !
Apparantly we are 2.5 million “mères au foyer” in France. You can't imagine how happy I am to think that I am about to join you in ET meetings or at ANPA meetings !
Much love
M.F.
ps : about my dry symptom, it is better (2 applications of lansinoh morning and at night are enough) but I have to keep drinking a lot and brushing my teeth like a maniac because dry mouth causes cavities (my dentist has just discovered one) I really had to become sick to make something peace with myself !

So good to hear good news from you M.F.
I was happy to see you at the meeting the other day and hear the good news you told
me then about quitting your job.
I admire you for making such a difficult decision, mothering full time versus career.
I need to make a similar one at the moment, my new job is too much for me and I CANNOT stand being away from R so much. I don't know if I can be a good mother while being away from him so long, I miss him too much and my body keeps on telling me with letdowns all the time.
In this day and here in France, full time mothers are seen negatively, and like a social regression, cf: previous discussions about feminism on this forum. But we need to change that, it's only NATURAL.
It is a big step for you and I wish you and your family lots of happiness in your new life !
Hope to see you soon. Take care,
AB

I think it's amazing what you're doing and discovering. You go, girl!!
AM.

M.F,
I am so happy for you that you are going through this process. I.A. is
a very lucky girl.
You did not however pollute the forum! Sharing is not polluting!! If no one shared, we would have no forum and everyone would continue to feel isolated and in terrible difficulties like nobody else could imagine. (sometimes its true)
Having a sounding board is so important in life. If other parents can bring insight or just comment on your posts, and if that helps, then; goal accomplished. I am so happy you feel you have got something from the input. I'm over the moon with joy that you are giving yourself this opportunity to try another way.
Welcome to 24h a day availablity, no pay, no benefits, no breaks, no holidays. Your rewards will be a smile or a giggle, an occasional emptied plate, a 2 hour siesta once in a while. A first word, first poo in the potty or a pee you didn't miss. Watching your child exchange a toy for another instead of grabbing it from another child.
Life with your child 24/24h is full of rich rewards! You'll love it.
Lots of love,
C.

Hi M.F.

It's not an easy choice becoming a full time mum in our society where status, possessions and careers are so important. Well done for being brave enough to give it a try. I've just spent most of my day with M being attacked by her teddy bear, having raspberries blown on my tummy and watching a tiny little person in a small baby bath flood a bathroom floor. Some people I know would describe that as uninteresting, not challenging enough, put quite simply I do not agree. there may be tough days even terrible moments but being with your child full time is also more joy than i've known before.

Enjoy all those great times ahead of you!

H.

Hello to you all
After recent discussion here about mothering versus jobs/ careers, I was just wondering if any of you had jobs out of the house and had to leave your children.
I know it isn't really the spirit of the forum and I hope it won't be politically incorrect to talk about it. I really need some contact with other mothers who have been through it to see if I can get through it myself. For instance how to do you manage closeness with your baby when you're apart several hours a day ?
I hope this won't shock any of you that I am wondering if having a "career" is compatible with being a good enough mother, and especially being close, bonding, and having a close loving relationship with a young child, yes a lot of closeness indeed.
A.

A. it is not politically incorrect! This is a subject that is
important to you and you are an attachment parent and it is totally valid! There is even a dossier called "staying an attachment parent" or something and somewhere there is either a paper or folder on working attachment parents. It is a common and very important subject.
I cant really offer much to your request because I only went back to work after my firstborn was 3 so it definitely wasn"t difficult. (and anyway I only went back for 3 days a week and he was looked after by his father when he wasn't in the maternel, which was a really bad experience, but that is not the subject)
S. who is now in Japan being a full time mother had a really hard time working full time and putting A in a with a PMI "family" creche (one nounou and 3 charges) for over a year. I have downloaded conversations on the subject. She had a hell of a time.
The only thing I might suggest for long separations during the day would be to sleep with your child but I think you do that already.
I'm sure lots of people here have stuff to suggest. I'll shut up now.
Good night, and keep up your good work parenting. I know you and R are close, I can see it when he is in the wrap and looking so peaceful.
Love C

Hi. Me again.
This is an article I found that I had downloaded a long time ago, only I'm not sure where it is on the forum. It might be of interest to you.

Excerpt from “Whats a Smart Woman Like You Doing at Home?” P 127.
By Linda Burton, Janet Dittmer & Cheri Loveless.

Working part-time away from the home, often while children are at school or when husbands can be with the children, is another way mothers continue in their chosen fields. Katherine Byrne, of Chicago, Illinois, speaks of the many years she spent in part-time persuits: “I am in my seventy-first year now, and am still happy that I stayed at home - but not exclusively. I always had my hand in something besides the tossed salad and the clay for the Cub Scouts’ Christmas gifts. I left the University of Chicago psychometric laboratory on my way to a doctorate, and never got back to it. But I have had the patchwork pleasure of part-time commintment to many intersting connections: writing, teaching, editing, researching; and now I am probably the city’s oldest paralegal.”

Many of today’s mothers are recognizingthat life has its “seasons” ; that the talents and skills they developed prior to motherhood might be utilised in different ways during the nurturing years - then put in full gear later. The mother of grown children who precede us often remind us that we need not accomplish everyting NOW, that we can do things “in sequence”.

Many of them describe deep satisfaction and fulfillment that came from devoting time to their children in the early years and time for career pursuits later on. As a mother of two from Texas explains: “I am a very modern, active, and liberated woman, loving my freedom now that my children are grown because I was with them when they were growing up. I’d be the first to tell any mother she should be proud to be a mother and homemaker. There’ll probably be plenty of time later for other pursuits! And a mother who stays home with her family now will enjoy her free time later much more, secure in the knowledge that she was there when the children needed a mother.”

Though many today claim that temporarily dropping out of the work force to nurture a familyh can be detrimental to a career, a mother from Castro Valley, California offers this hopeful message: “After college and a successful business career, I took thirty years off to raise four beautiful children. I can truly say that no job is as important, challenging, hard, or fulfilling as guiding a child to adulthood. I might also add that, after the last one was off to college and the nest was empty, despite the views of the media, there was no problem in re-entering the business world without need for re-training or aplogies.”

Mothers who desire to keep up skills or earn money at home are finding ways to do it, realising that nurturing a family does not have to mean the end of an outside career. Lynne Rasmussen, a mother from California who enjoyed a succesful sales career in the electronics and computer fields and now runs her own crafts business while rearing her children at home, expresses a feeling many mothers can recognise: “I’ve gone from feeling “I could never do that” to “maybe I could try it” to “I can do it” to “I can do anything!” It feels great.”

Thank you C. My mind (life?) is a mess at the moment and I really need help ... but no one can decide for me I know.
Yes R sleeps with us and I love that closeness. In addition his father takes care of him when I'm gone so it's an "ideal" caretaker, for the moment.
I've decided to give myself until the end of May to see if I want to pursue my job or not, and why. Between all the holidays and long week ends there is only one full week for me in the month. I hope I will last that long. I'm afraid to just give up too fast and be sorry in a little while.
The article you sent is very interesting and that's exacly my problem : this is what I would have wanted BEFORE I became a mother, I would have given almost anything to get this particular job, but R wasn't around yet.
Now I have to figure out how to use my skills and my job which I do love (although I've had to make some adjustments mentally) now that I am a mother. It is such an adjustment to become a mother !
Thank you for your support.
Warmly, A

L.L, I don't know what to say ... I read your email when I came
home last night and I've just been reading it over and over and over. Thank you SO much for taking the time and energy to answer at such length. I can tell you wrote with your heart, and I'm really grateful.
I too try to enjoy those moments of closeness in the bathtub, in bed, cuddling with R, and when I'm away at my new job that's all I can think of, him. I wonder constantly what I'm doing here instead of being with my son and enjoying some of those magical moments.
I don't know what in the world crossed my mind when I applied for this job back in September, it was a day when I was feeling down, feeling that I was a terrible mother because it was just "one of those days" and I saw this ad in a well known center and I would have never thought they'd actually hire me. I don't know if it's my dream job now, but a few years ago it definitely would have been, I would have given almost anything to have it. But that was before R was around.
Everything you said rings a bell, especially the guilt and feeling of inadequacy part. I know I need to live for myself also, not just for my child. I need "my space", and I thought I'd have that if I took up this new job, but I think I was wrong in that. There must be other ways to fulfill my life and show an example of an accomplished woman for my son other than having a "career".
I think the hard part for me is to accept that I'm not the same person now that I've become a mother and that what I want now is different then what wanted a few years ago. I need to listen to that
little voice, you're right.
Yes I'd love to read some of those life stories.
Thank you again for your support, reading you has done me a world of good.
Take care. Warm wishes,
A

Hi A,

I've been struggling with this dilemma myself, and I don't think that there's any real answer.

I managed to finish my dissertation before my W's first birthday (he just turned 2), thanks to a couple of stays at my parents' in the States, where my mother cared for him and came to knock on the door when she didn't have anymore pumped milk to feed him (and thanks to LL, who watched W so that I could revise and defend my dissertation).

I felt lucky to go to work full-time when W was 16 months old, staying home with his father, and me a 10-minute walk away. I thought that being a college professor would give me lots of flexibility and free time, and I imagined coming home for lunch and such (I don't know how M does it), and just feeling so fulfilled by my job that I would have extra energy to give to my family at home. In fact, it's been overwhelming. The work is much more than I had expected even in my most realistic moments; my husband has not been the ideal caregiver, as he's struggled with culture shock, isolation, and depression; if I come home, W won't let me leave again (he stopped crying when I left in the morning only 2 months ago); I'm exhausted from night feedings... I love teaching university-level French language, literature, and culture, but I feel pulled in two opposite directions. And I've just accepted a position at another college for next year.

There are positive aspects, too. I do feel fulfilled on an intellectual level, and I also am very present when I'm with W, which wasn't always the case when I was home with him all day. I teach at a college for women, and they have seen me nurse all over campus, and W has attended many events (I've pushed the limits of where I can take him, including class and a meeting--those two were less successful than the college happy hour). Most of them find his presence inspiring and don't really mind when he sings along with the chorale, for example. W has had contact with many people who look out for him and has been part of a community.

It's just not easy, as childbearing and career-building years overlap, but with a bit of flexibility, creativity, and support, we can certainly figure out a solution for ourselves and our children. I'm still struggling myself to find one that makes sense to me and feels
right.

Thanks for bringing this up, and best wishes for a decision that brings you peace.
SD

God I don't know...
 
When my colleagues or friends ask me "how do you manage" my answer is "I don't" And that's not just a trying to be clever joke -well it is a little.
It's also the plain truth.
My house is in a permanent depressing mess. I cannot invite anyone around because if I clean it the minute I've finished there will be many little arms to throw dirt on the floor, and basiclaly mess everything up. Oh and all the glasses are broken any rate.
SO I don't invite colleagues home which would be the normal thing to do.
 
I As of my work... yes I perform big time as of classes and books/articles writing.
But.... I have this other colleague in my speciality who's juts been hired as a consultant at the univ of R, who then went to Canada and then again Japan. Obviously that's the type of thing I will never be able to do. I have to do a conference only in Pau, France, at the end of this month and it's been hell organising everything (my second daughter will stay at her friend's, I'm taking the three boys, so I had to hire a baby-sitter there and to book an extra room in the hotel, and other train tickets, all this at my expense naturally). Every time I go somewhere I take them. It's cute. People smile. But some of them obviously think "what a mental case !" or "who does she think she is bringing kids in such a place ?!" All right they are jerks. Still it does affect my carreer no point trying to pretend it does not.  So I have to prove more than others that I'm competent by drowning them with my publications (I've published more, much more, at my age -soon to be 44- than most of my retired colleagues). But there's a price to pay for this too : exhaustion as S puts it. I never had a real maternity leave. Always worked my ass off till the very last minute before and started a few days, sometimes when lucky weeks after.
And probably absolutely no time for oneself.
Right this second I'm stealing time from work and my baby who's "aheu-ing" on the mattress that I'v installed in the office.
 
Now my office is a caricature of what I do : it's an office, with thousands of books and files, two computers, phones, etc. But there's a baby bed (not used for him :; it's where I put his clothes) and two mattresses on which we both sleep. Also there are little cars that T, aged 3, left, biscuits I had to hide from N, aged 8, because he eats them all at once if I'm not careful, a toy he's given the baby, pictures they've all drawn.... photos of them, LLL posters....
Basically I live there in a totally weird work/family mix.... and all right baby boy I'll pick you up and end your misery...
M.