Becoming an attachment parent. Crying. Too Attached or a coded message?

Crying. Too attached, or a coded message?
I CANT LEAVE THE ROOM WITHOUT BB SCREAMING! HELP!
I am losing confidence in my mothering capacities and attachment parenting.
1. She screams whenever I leave her. My daughter does not seem to like to leave me just for one second. It is getting more and more demanding. This morning, from when she woke up until I left her, she screamed "Mama" when I tried to go to another room. She is in the living room. I needed to take shower...I ended up with putting her next to me in the bathroom....

2. She screams when she is tired but she does not want to go to sleep. She refused to go to sleep. I tried to breast feed her to make her sleep but she just refused it. She screams because she is tired but she just does not want to go to sleep.....

3. She screams during the night looking for my breasts.

4. She creams when she is in the wrap sometimes and when I walk with her inside the wrap. For a while she is quite but then she starts to scream.

5. She screams when I try to change her clothes or nappies.

6. She screams when I try to put her down on the floor. Then when I pick her up, she smiles. Is she doing that intentionally or is she trying to see how far she can go with me????

My daughter is 8 months. Is that the age of screaming???? My colleague said to not let her do that.
Any advice?
Thank you. S.

Dear S,
I am sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. Would it help you to hear that, at that age, a baby is never manipulative?
So it probably means something. You're doing a wonderful job. Things will get better at some stage. Some reading might help. Have you heard of Dr Sears?
Lots of love
H.

Dear S,
A is 8 months (and one week) and she only screams when something is wrong.
For example, she cries and wants to be held all the time when she is teething (which she has been doing for the last month and a half - teeth can take an extremely long time to come in...)and also she can get that way when she is really overtired. Does your baby take enough naps? Every baby is different so I can only say what's happening with A right now, but it seems to me that it's an age where everything is new and exciting and there's also a lot of physical evolution going on (at least in A's case - she is starting to walk at what strikes me as an extremely early age...) As a result, right now, A is much more tired than usual from all that physical activity, and has a very hard time taking naps because everything is just so interesting. I've started putting her to bed earlier at night and she sleeps for almost 14 hours (with of course several awakenings during the night to nurse.) Getting a little more sleep can have a dramatic effect on a baby's temperament. Maybe try to get your baby to sleep more, using whatever means you can (sling, lying down with her, carrying her...) Just a note here about sleeping in slings - Anna very abruptly stopped being able to sleep in the sling. Maybe there's an age where babies sleep better lying down in a bed? Again, every baby is different so you just have to experiment. Good luck...
A

ALL my 4 kids have done that. I've never had a shower by myself during all these years. T throws all my clothes and my shoes into the bath when I'm trying to shower.
ALL my kids have insisted they go to the toilet with me too which I've tolerated, I must confess for about three years for each one of them before I put an end to it. So in the end it will be 3 years multiplied by 4 = 12 years with someone in the toilet  with me.
This reminds me of N my third child. The only way to stand this is to give in. Do you cosleep ? I discovered cosleeping with N. IT saved my life.
Because strangely, it did not improve his awakenings at night (which I now realise were partly due to allergies) but did improve immensely. Also, overnight it affected how he was during the day.

4. She creams when she is in the wrap sometimes. When I walk with her inside the wrap, for a while she is quite but then she starts to scream...

J, my eldest did that. She got bored very rapidly and wanted to see what was going on outside, from inside the sling and the scenery had to change all the time. So I had to turn her to facing the street regardless of whatever I was doing AND to move a lot. Very handy indeed !
She screams when I tried to change her clothes or nappies.

All my kids did that at one point or another too. My trick is to make them laugh  (faces, tickles, and our family stupid joke is to smell the baby's feet and pull an extremely exagerated face and say "yako"! even if they're crying they just can't help laughing and then want more.
6. She screams when I try to put her down on the floor. Then when I pick her up, she smiles. Is she doing that intentionally, or is she trying to see how far she can go with me???? My daughter is 8 months. Is that the age of screaming????

Yes it is. That's when they really realize that you can go. That is when they get frightened. Even more when one goes to work outside the home, and they know it does happen.
My colleague said not to let her do that...

Typical.

You child is behaving perfectly normally for her age I'm afraid.
M.

Being the mom to a high needs child, I can mainly offer sympathy.  At 8 months, your daughter is developing so that she can physically remove herself from you.  Probably as a self-protection thing, lots of babies get clingier at this stage.  Also, there is that issue of permenance in that they don't fully understand that you will re-appear when you are out of sight.  When they are younger, they are more willing to accept someone else as a substitute.  It makes this time a tough stage.  Do take her in the bathroom with you.  Either sit her in a bouncy chair next to the shower, leaving the curtain or door open enough for her to see you and playing peekaboo with her as you shower, or take her in the shower with you.  For me, with both children, I had to view this time as a way to make showering more water efficient to keep from going nuts.  That doesn't help with the rest of life's tasks though.  You can wear your babe through most other things.  
No choice that I found except for screaming with my daughter while putting on clothes.  I do set my bb on a table top that I stand next to while dressing so she is very close to being in my arms, but she still screams through it on lots of days.  Since she doesn't like to go on my back using a knife while cooking is sometimes almost impossible since she seems to want to help.  I'm using the present because she does still have those times at 17 months.  But it's only when she's tired, teething, or something else like that.  They do get more independent with time.  And the security, comfort, and attachment you give her now will help her and you later.  I can attest to this with my son, who is 4.5 years.  But it's really tough when the people around you are saying they would not tolerate this behavior.  At 8 months, they really do need to be in close contact with their mom still.  Nine months in, nine months on, and nine months on and off.  Or 18 months on and off, it seems for me, at this moment.  But she's only at 8 months of the on and off.  And sometimes those last parts are the hardest.  And there are times beyond 18 months that they definitely need to go back on for nursing and such, so that little 9,9,9 thing isn't really true.  Now I'm talking about it needing to be longer when your babe hasn't even got her full 9 months on yet.  That's a reflection from my daughter there.  Back to you.  Not letting a baby do that, like those other folks are saying, what does that mean?  Letting her cry until she learns that her needs are unimportant and not to bother asking or trying anymore?  That's not something I want to teach my children.  Keep up the good mothering S. Love T

F is 8 1/2 month and I still take him into the loo with me - I sit him up and give him something to play with (anything!) - and do the same when I have a bath.  He cries every time I leave the room - sometimes I can leave him for a maximum of about 5 minutes.  I felt bad and guilty too until I realised that this is totally normal behaviour!

Sometimes he won't nurse to sleep, but he will go to sleep if I rock him and sing to him.  In fact last week he wouldn't go to sleep until I put him up on the pillow (we co-sleep) and left him alone...I was so fed up I just decided to leave him there until he wanted to nurse, and the next thing he fell asleep!

Remember this is teething time and the pain is there for a long time before the teeth arrive.  Perhaps try giving her some Doloprane (paracetamol) before going to sleep to see if it makes a difference.

Your baby cannot possibly manipulate you at this age.  You can't 'make' her stop crying.  You are doing a wonderful job by responding to her as much as you can.  It might not feel like it now, but you are teaching her that you are there, and she is learning to be a secure little person.  I think your colleague should go and jump in a lake (figuratively speaking, of course!).  You're a wonderful mum with a normal baby - keep up the good work!
M.

Dear S,
It must make you desperate sometimes. I really feel for you. Maybe she is trying to tell you something. "Active listening" is a "technique" you can even try with babies. from Thomas Gordon "Parent effectiveness training", or "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlish) Try to tell her what you think she is trying to say. Instead of just picking her up. You could say:
Oh you're worried because I'm going out of the room?.

And it's never too early to start telling him or her what YOU need when this begins to conflict (Gordon's "I-messages"). Maybe they will actually understand.

There is a book a friend of mine talked about which talks about "écouter les pleurs....".
This friend of mine is far from a "let-them-cry-it-out-alone" type (she carries her 3rd child 24 hours a day, she is literally never put down except maybe to change her nappy).

Anyway the author of this book suggests that it is not always a good thing to try to stop a child crying, that crying is physiological process of relieving tension (even adults need to do it sometimes and there's nothing worse than being told "oh don't cry, there there, it's not so bad...").

Babies must need it even more since they have no other way of expressing their emotion or frustrations. Listen to the baby crying, holding her of course, as
if you are really listening to her pouring out her heart, but not as though you are responsible for the crying.
Most consciencious mothers do their best to stop their babies crying because it pulls on their heart strings, (actually it's the same with older children also, most
parents find their children crying almost unbearable and want it to stop immediately) but you don't have to feel guilty that you can't get her to stop crying. Assuming you have eliminated the possible reasons (hunger, wet nappy, pain etc). She'll know you're there for her and you are "listening" to her, intently.

I'll try to find out the name of the book.  Anyway I haven't any experience of this myself but my friend said it's been really helpful for the 2 of her children for whom she tried "listening" to their crying. They are much more relaxed than the other one. I am not suggesting letting your babies cry it out alone!! Quite the opposite. Good luck
R

Thank you for everyone who responded to me. The worst thing is that I feel so ashamed at having lost confidence in being a mother. I see lots of public images "being mother", super mummy or good mother. I feel like a "failure" bieng unable to cope with all the screaming. I am doing my best. I sleep with her. I take her everywhere I go, but still she screams for love and attention. Alright, I said to myself, I cannot be a super mum but at least I want to be an OK mummy.

When I am outside with my bb, I feel public eyes whenever she screams and I feel a "failure".

Well, I will try to put her in the sling as her facing the world, and try to active-listen to her whenver she screams.

I feel so relieved to hear that it is normal that she screams. Ifeel much better.
I have gained hope and confidence to keep going as an OK mummy.

Thank you very much. S.

S, women used to raise their children in communities. Now we do it alone, and it is very lonely and we get no relief from our babies'  normal high demands, which is almost unhuman. Most people continue with their regular lives, regardless of the baby's needs, and have wrong ideas about it. So no wonder we get exhausted, guilty and discouraged ! You certainly are doing the right thing for your child. If you feel too down though you might want to organize some help from friends or whoever feels right to you. I think it is important to find some kind of balance between your baby's needs and what you can do. Meeting on discussion lists is fine, doesn't replace a real presence though.

Around 8 months (some earlier others later, some lightly others strongly) any baby goes through phases like that anxious period of becoming aware of her own self separated from her mom's. Huge experience, over a long time sometimes, is required for some of them, a lot of reassurance, before they feel secure without their mothers’ presence. Therefore we feel like demands are big and needs are high. That is also the time she might get that experience with that throw-away-and-get-back game : experiencing alternatively, separation and closeness, joined to the vertical throwing : experiencing the 3rd dimension (space/room) and integrating it. All this, plus teething, and everything that is related to the developping motricity and what it reveals to the baby as they go through all these changes, are alone very good reasons to be high demanding, aren't they ?
Warmly, V