Becoming an attachment parent. High needs vs different LL's story.

High Needs vs Different. L.Ls Story.
LLD wrote:
Hello everyone, I have been reading you all for awhile but am new to writing.  I hope this is how you go about sending a mass mail to everyone. My name is LLD (Vietnamese American, but Paris based for 10 years now) and my baby is a beautiful bouncy 7month old J. You may have noticed me in some of the LLL meetings.  I'm the one pacing the hallways trying to keep J quiet so as to hear what all of you are saying. I'm writing for several reasons but mostly concerning high need babies.  I'm very upset that I wasn't in PAris for the LLL meeting on the topic!  If any of you went, perhaps you could sum it up for me. I should probably start with the fact that I am very ambivalent about classifying J as high need - most other people who watch us have no qualms in identifying his rather energetic personality traits!  I tend to say he is intense: intensely loving, intensely happy, intensely alert, intensely draining!  I guess I prefer to think that there is some kind of miracle cure that will transform him into a quiet baby who agrees to lie down / be put down occasionnally; who agrees to nap for more than 20 minutes without me next to him; who agrees to fall asleep and stay asleep without crying to nurse every 45min-hour throughout the night...  Somehow, I feel that I just need to find an answer as opposed to this is just the way he is. This rather long and involved preamble leads up to my story with a microkinesitherapeute that C referred me to.  I had attended her Pagne PArisienne workshop (a MUST GO for those who have yet to attend) and she commented that J spent most of his life arched backwards (picture a Chinese acrobat touching his head with his feet) and I should definitely consult P.P.  I had no idea what a microkine was, I still have only a vague idea; but trusted C and went ahead and made an appointment. I wasn't expcting much honestly.  I went and PP lay J on his bed and ... it looked like he was fluttering his hands over my baby.  J smiled, babbled, fussed, cried a bit and after 10 minutes Dr. P asked distractedly, "What happenend within the inner emotional circle at 6 months of pregnancy?"  I must admit that I was speechless. I had only told him our names, J's date of birth and that I didn't know why I was there except that C had told me to go.  Indeed, at 6 months of pregnancy my father was very ill and my husband and I were trying to adjust to our new roles in life. Dr. P said, "Hmmm", fluttered some more than asked me to take J. "It's done"  What's done? was what I wanted to ask; did something actually get done?  Dr P started straightening his desk, gave me a pamphlet, warned me that J might be tired for a day or two and that the back arching and high strung nerves should calm down within a month.  He also added off-handedly a remark that had to do with my couple that he could not have guessed.  It was an intelligent, warm and wise bit of advice for a very specific situation.  And that was the end of the visit. Almost 2 months later, J only does his Chinese circus routine when he is exhausted and I haven't gotten him into a quiet room to nurse.  He now does nap sometimes even for 2 hours when I nap with him (unheard of before where he would nap 20 minutes regardless of whether or not I was napping with him) and is generally a little more mellow.  He still needs constant attention during the day but I can get my emails and work done at night between his 45min-hour nursing cries.  I'll probably take J back to see P.P when we get back to Paris to see if we can get J onto a better sleep cycle. The constant night nursing and full on daytime attention is getting to me. Work days starting at 11pm and ending at 3am are not good for long stretches of time.  I'm still looking for "solutions". Somebody mentioned an osteopathe.  Does anyone have any recommendations? And in the end, maybe it's all just normal baby behaviour.  He's fun, gregarious, gernerally happy, does sleep 12 hours at night (late mornings are a blessing which make up for all the rest!) if I nurse him every hour. I don't really have much to complain about.  And I'm assuming babies eventually nurse less than every 1-2 hours at some point, right?  Or do they keep this up until they are eating solids as the bulk of their diet? This was a very long and involved letter which has taken me several nights to complete.  Thank you to the courageous few who have ploughed through to the bitter end.  For those who are interested, P.P. is a wonderfully, gentle man who does wonders.  
C has his information. Take care all, all my best wishes for the New Years and Happy nursing to all the tots out there!
L.L.D and baby J


Hi again L.L.D,
I did plough through and I sympathise intently. It's really interesting about the microkiné.
You are sounding very positive about your experience but I actually don't think it's necessary for a child to be feeding every 1 - 2 hours.
But of course there are babies like that. Mine was actually, but the feeds were not all very long, more like snacks... he was also slow to get into solids.... but by 7 months he was really romping around, and no longer in arms.... but I think mother's milk accounted for at least 90 % of his food at 1 year, although he loved playing with his food...
Bear in mind that the first few months of solids CAN be more time wasting than breastfeeding since the quantities of food you get into your babe can be fairly minimal, especially if you do the spoonfeeding-purée-thing. (ready made food is expensive, and taking time making special food for him and then seeing it wasted is frustrating).  I suggest you don't go down that route, if you already have little time for yourself. Try putting safe finger food in front of him for example during your own mealtimes or while you're preparing you meals, bits of fruit to suck or chew with his gums or scrape with his emerging teeth (sized so he can't choke on them), rice cakes, and let him feed himself, and clear up the mess later.
Perhaps you can include in your meals food that you can mash up and spoonfeed him too (potatoes, veg).

It is true that some babies need a lot of attention. Think of ways to allow him to be independant. At his age he can be spending a certain amount of time on the floor getting mobile. This concentrates a lot of energy and that's how they learn!! You don't have to help him do everything. Everytime he squeaks you can just talk to him and encourage him in his independance. As time goes on he will become happy to do things on his own.

For the frequent night nursing refer to the previous messages of the subject. I will have to add to that thread sometime...
But I think it's very brave to try to hold down a job and care for a 7month-old at the same time. It will get better!! Good luck, R.
A few weeks later....
Thank you all for your stories and support. I stopped stressing out, and more importantly resenting that J was different than all the other babies (ie the other bottle fed babies around us) and just accepted that this is all a part of the package.  It must have been quite a relief for the poor kid and he is sleeping a little better now. Your support is a godsend!
Love L.L.D.