Becoming an attachment parent. Relactation victory

Relactation Victory
When I was pregnant with my first child, M, I had never imagined feeding him any kind of milk but my own. The idea of putting a bottle in his mouth had never occured to me. However, when he was born, I found myself trying to deal with a baby who would hardly ever let go of my breast, demanded to be fed so much more often than I was told was normal and seemed to never get enough of my milk.
The staff at the maternity were unable to give me any valid information, and I went home stressed by my screaming baby who couldn’t get enough milk with a feed every 3 hours. I didn’t know it at the time, but he had developped an inefficient technique at the breast too, because he had been given some bottles of sugar water behind my back while I had had showers at the maternity. (The only moments I had ever let him out of my sight.)
Breast feeding seemed a far cry from the natural, peaceful relationship I had imagined. Cracks set in, and bled while I fed M. I was convinced I didn’t have enough milk for my baby so after 4 months of struggling and suffering, I decided to give my son industrial milk in a bottle.
Initially, I was very relieved to finally have a “settled” baby. However, very soon after I had weaned M to the bottle, I sombred in depression. I felt a failure, useless as a mother.
Two and a half months after I had weaned M from my breast, I was in the shower when I noticed milk pearling at my nipples. I was amased and thrilled. On a whim, I decided to call the local LLL leader. She informed me that it was never too late to start up breastfeeding regardless of the time since weaning.
Unfortunately, M refused to nurse. My milk wasn’t flowing enough for him.
I was put in touch with L C who gave us the tools and the knowledge to succeed. She sent me an SNS. Immediately, the resevoir with its two tiny little tubes enabled us to experience breastfeeding even though M was taking in more industrial milk through it than my milk. I had tried pumping but the results were depressing and insufficient to warrant the time it took. The thing that mattered was that we were re-united in the intimate relationship that we had lost. That was already a first victory.
I fed M at my breast as often as I could during the day, with the SNS ; cue feeding or on demand feeding. Little by little, I noticed with joy that M was consuming less and less industrial cows milk, which meant that he was getting more and more of my milk. Finaly, one day, I decided to take the plunge, and try breastfeeding without the SNS, tube free. For the next 3 days, I nursed M like a newborn, every ten minutes if necessary, in order to stimulate my milk production to the maximum. Finally, by the time M was getting some solids, I was able to nurse him at a “normal” rhythm.
To our mutual greatest satisfaction, our breastfeeding relationship continued until M was 12 months old. Then, to my surprise, he started to turn his head when I offered my breast. I soon realised why, I was 3 months pregnant ! Nothing more natural.
M never nursed during my pregnancy but he did look longingly at my breasts. Sometime after the birth of my second child, who of course was exclusively breastfed, to my relief, M asked to nurse again. He nursed sporadically for a few months then sometime after my second baby’s 6 months, although he was still exclusively breastfed, M began to nurse more often. He went from two or three times a week to two times a day. I am so proud and happy to be able to offer him my milk during what must be a very turbulent time in his life for him.
When I look back, I am still very sad to have lived and put my son through such a chaotic breastfeeding relationship but at the same time I am proud and thrilled to have had the chance together, with my son, to have repaired so much emotional damage. I was not alone, side by side we struggled for the same goal and have been victorious.
M.C.